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2001-12-27 - 1:32 p.m.
well, it has been a while i suppose. i've been feeling shallow and uninteresting and therefore avoided focusing on that fact too much by writing about it. however, i've finally given in and here i am.
i had a discussing with my parents last night about how none of us have friends that we enjoy spending time with. We all have obligitory relationships with people who drain our energy and consume pieces of us. It is a family trait. I suggested that this is because we are all too passive, rarely making the effort to actively pursue friendships based on our desire to know somebody. Instead we all wait to gain acceptance from the other. Making/maintaining friendships requires effort. Not the bad kind of effort where everything is convoluted and miscommunicated and taxing, but the kind of effort that says "I find you fascinating and I think you will find me fascinating as well...let's go eat nachos and talk about things!" I am afraid of having friendships based on convenience, because we both work at the same job, or go to the same school or have the same neuroses and self-esteem issues. Other people should not decide who I am friends with, I should.
Wish i wasn't so damn scared of people.
Readers Note: It is possible that this diary entry will be made into an After-School Special on PBS.