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2002-04-18 - 6:32 p.m.
i asked a class of sophmores last week if the term "justice" was a reality or merely a theory, an unattainable ideal. most of them thought it was unattainable. i love them for thinking that. it makes me sad, but i love them for being hardened and cold by the age of 15. most of them will live for 70 more years believing that justice is something we've all made up. we are honest with our children now, we don't protect them. we are all adults when we are in grade school, and we also never completely grow up.
from this perspective i am doomed to be a teenager for the rest of my life. all of my peers are refusing to grow up. this includes me. however adam told me the other day that i am too "little girly". i've been thinking about this (sorry adam, i know how you hate it when i think) and i realize that what i want is the opportunity for wonder. i don't want to shirk responsibility and never get my shit done, i just want to look at things with awe and see them as beautiful. i want joy. i have spent a lot of time around some really immature people who are still far from wonder. the ex love-of-my-life is a perfect example. he is 33 (34?), bitter, jaded, and incapable of being on his own. yet he will describe himself as "independent" and "responsible". he has learned catch phrases that make him seem more in touch with his feelings and make him seem more artistic. there is no wonder in his life. the fact that i have wonder in my life doesn't make me a better person: i have a stupid job, a bad living situation and emotionally draining relationships. WHY AM I TELLING YOU THIS? you ask, well, just to know that i exist.