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2002-09-29 - 11:44 p.m.
against the wall there is a stack of paintings, almost all of which are incomplete. next to the paintings is a bookshelf crammed with books. across from that is a velvet covered bed, next to which is a computer with dozens of incomplete documents. stacks of cds lean against the wall. how can i be surrounded by so much art, both appropriated and created by me, and even fathom going to sleep?
sometimes i want to sleep in museums. what does all the art do when the lights are out? don't tell me it stands on pedestals or hangs quietly on the walls...you should know better than that. by now.
i want to fuck art. i want to rub oily juices all over canvas and clay and steel. i want to tear into it and suck on it and engorge it in my body. i want it to be active, pliant, and alive, like me.
sometimes i think the curve of the neck, at the base of the throat, must perfectly echo the curve of the universe.
what if light came to us not in tiny high frequency waves, but like waves on the ocean: slowly rolling, building, crashing, receding into darkness.
i don't know what is right or wrong for myself...is this a problem?
i have no best friend.
i hate the phrase "what do you mean?"
i do not laugh heartily often enough
lately i am extra terrified of the dark
i really do want people to look up to
i am uncomfortable with competition because i am unable to stand the possibility of losing
i believe i am capable of anything
i will not play your game unless it is with my rules
i will stand aside and watch until my toes are numb and we have all grown up and decided to do something else.
or i will ignore every single plea and do exactly as i please and i know that no matter how hard you try not to you will still love me for it.
i can not relax
i do not let anyone see all of me
i imagine myself with beautiful teeth but in reality they are beginning to chip, stain, crack and grow crooked
desire is often elucidated by what i do not want
lately i have been experimenting with carbohydrates
i dance every single day
i did not expect any of this