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2002-12-26 - 2:10 p.m.
So I'm a little bummed cause I actually wrote a long entry on Tuesday and tried to post it and it was lost forever in the madness of diaryland. I figure I deserve it though I'm not sure I can explain why.
I feel a little guilty updating at work and with no internet access in my new apartment I fear this may be the death of my diary. I'm suspicious that it's been dead for some time now but I will try my best to revive it. After all I don't know what would happen to my social life if I no longer had a public forum for my confessions, so here's the scoop:
I have this new life in San Francisco and it's nifty and swell and I'm not really being sarcastic when I say this, it IS pretty great. I'm not sure I believe that I'm in it yet. It's a new place to sleep with a different view, and it's a little cold and lonely at night.
At work I make puppets out of bad press photos and stage brief impromptu shows for my coworkers. I like to make the lion eat all the other puppets.
I've been frustrated with my friendships that seem to dangle and hang without ever coming to a solid realness. I keep thinking that it's me, if only I were more open more loving more enthusiastic things would be different. But being open, loving, enthusiastic and engaged are not things that can be created, they just are. My only explanation is that the situation must not be right, at least not for me. But I want it to be right, I am tired of my old patterns. I'm trying to stop feeling guilty and wallowing in my own failure. I can't force anything that isn't meant to be. goddammit.
On a side note, more than one person has spoken up and told me that I am neglecting them.
hmmmm.
it seems to me that I've spent the past two and a half years neglecting myself. so maybe it's time for me to neglect you and be selfish for a while. just a thought. *THIS IS WRONG*
I suppose my weaknesses are much more apparent to the outside world than to me.
I will insert subtexts later, when I have time.
I am eating some very stale, very chewy red hots from a press kit.