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2003-12-03 - 3:54 p.m.
Today at work I received a coconut in the mail.
Just a coconut.
With $4.14 in postage taped to it.
My co-worker JoAnna and I took it outside and tried to break it open by throwing it, hard, against the cement.
Coconut just taunted us and let loose a little postage for dramatic effect.
I squatted next to the curb and beat Coconut against the edge while JoAnna laughed at my monkey antics.
A chick from advertising in a mico-mini power suit came outside and told us to be careful because it might be a bomb.
We threw Coconut at her as she toddled her high heels into the parking lot.
Larry and Jose from maintenance came outside and laughed at us. Despite out begging, Larry refused to give us access to the roof and he and Jose went back inside. No flying for Coconut today.
Just as we were giving up hope, Jose screeched around the corner in his white van and leapt out, with the motor still running, brandishing a saw.
He sawed and sawed at Coconut but Coconut was stubborn.
Jose gave up on the saw and went back to the van to get a long-handled ax. With a few decisive hacks and a whole lot of tearing, Coconut was free from his fibrous skin.
Before we could throw Coconut for his final crack to the cement Jose was back in the van and screeching out of the parking lot, fleeing the scene of the drive-by coconutting.
Now the juices of Coconut are splattered on the cement outside and a hard brown shard rests on my desk, toothmarked and slowly oozing milk.