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2004-04-07 - 5:10 p.m.
Allegedly I will be learning to knit on Thursday.
I can't say I'm terribly excited because I feel like learning another craft is only going to help me generate more crap to take up space in my house. On the other hand, if I'm suddenly in need of a cozy and misshapen hat I will be completely self-sufficient.
ANYWAY, the point is that if I'm going to learn to knit I might as well make something ridiculous. So I've decided to make produce cozies.
Yes, sweaters for your eggplants and bananas.
My goal is to outfit an entire bowl of fruit and then take glamour shots of my juicy little models.
It will be my art piece for the next week. I'll tell people that I'm into the slow food movement and that "produce have feelings too."
Yeah, don't even try to steal my idea. I know the pure genius of it is making your eyes water right now. Though I have to say that I'm having a little trouble understanding why you also appear to be laughing. Hm, everyone reacts to sudden and miraculous bursts of genius in their own way, I suppose.
I can really see this taking off. Soon J-Lo will be calling me to knit pink cashmere cozies for her peaches and nectarines.
When I go on Oprah and The Today Show to promote my product I will exhibit a delicate balance of grace, wit and casual indifference.
People will ask, "How did you become the fruit-sweater-knitter-to-the-stars?" and I will only add to my own mystique by saying "The stars?!? Oh honey, stars are WAY too far away to make the free shipping worth it! Besides, I don't even think there's produce in Outer Space!!" (insert charming laugh).
But before you all get carried away and start placing your orders lets get one thing straight, I don't do grapes.