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2001-10-30 - 2:53 p.m.
Tuesday, October 23, 2001
i wrote this while being an insomniac in LA.
Mania
Wake to find
the
Dalai Lama rifling through the
medicine cabinet.
Searching
for ludes
and finding only ballerinas
in rumpled tutus
anorexic and cranky,
falling off their toes.
I took a class on buddhism when i was in college because i wanted a different perspective on living and breathing. One required text was written by the Dalai Lama and was focused on peace. In one chapter he discussed attending a dinner party. While in the restroom at said dinner party he decides to search through the hosts' medicine cabinet. ok STOP and think about it. the Dalai Lama, one of the world's most prominent religious leaders, has just openly admitted to peeking into someone's medicine cabinet, just to learn more about them. i will now leave you, gentle reader, with that thought.
2:48 PM
the world seems cold. i woke several times during the night, worried. i've been waking up with sore wrists because i press my fists into the mattress while i sleep. my sealy posturpedic was probably not meant for this purpose. the most absurd part about all of this is that i live in absolute luxury and comfort. i am loved. i am fed. i am sheltered. yet my sensitivity is amplified. any deviation makes the entire structure sway, the framework crack. i am confident in nothing. i read into every nuance, and i am no longer able to laugh it away as my own paranoia. i think the cracks are real. i think the foundation has slipped.
2:35 PM
Monday, October 22, 2001
A few years ago i wrote a love poem. i will stop attempting to explain myself now.
Love Poem
I want to be like Sid and Nancy.
Ruthless, reckless,
sick.
I want to peel your scabs.
These wounds are not meant to
heal.
Your skin, raw
with touch
will say
No
this is not what I want.
And I will say
this
is what you asked for.
11:43 AM
Thursday, October 11, 2001
Glossary to previous Blog:
*haiku: 1. a Japanese verse form of three unrhymed lines of 5, 7, and 5 syllables respectively (total 17 syllables), usually on some subject in nature 2. a poem in this form. source: Webster's New World Dictionary. Second College Edition. I also intended to barter with haikus at Burning Man, (I only used one).
*not pudding: gratutitous use of inside joke originally started with person who will never ever read this blog. intended to confuse the reader.
*coffee my great and evil love affair
*bildungsroman go look it up, not everything i do for you is free
1:37 p.m.this morning when my alarm went off at 4 a.m. i immediately rolled out of bed and wrote on an index card:
You Hate Your Job
-----------------------------
get another one
i then went and stood in the bathroom for 20 mins trying to figure out what the hell i was doing. Fight the daily internal struggle: "which to do first? wash face or brush teeth? where is my toothbrush? oh, it is in my hand! who am i? whh...what?!?" I then went to work and served high quality espresso beverages for seven hours and talked to my district manager about the floral bouquet of our new special blend. i am not bitter. really, i am not. i asked for this. i got exactly what i asked for.
i will now ask for something different.
things that are funny:
my college degree
t.v.
jello
people who shit
my friends
elephant seals
the word "elephant"
words in general
biore pore perfect strips
blogger
people
the notion that we have any idea how the universe works
gnomes
etc.
FACT: I once dated a boy who had a roommate who's last name was Bogger. He hated him and always called him "Blogger" behind his back. Now whenever i log on i hear his voice saying "BLLLLOGGGER."
FACT: above fact is not funny. but it is true.
i was talking to myself in the shower last night because i had consumed too much luscious creamy coffee (see above) beverage (*not pudding) and came up with an equation for truth. of course since i was in the shower and talking to myself and all hopped up on caffeine, i promptly forgot my equation for truth and was forced to reproduce it in only menial terms on my *haiku index cards. in fact i now realize that the only part of the equation that i have retained at all is the question which is really how it always goes anyway isn't it?
contra(truth)diction
the truth is embodied in the contradiction. in other words, truth appears when the answer fails to happen i.e. when "truth" is not discovered. to say the contradiction is the truth would necessarily bind it to definition which is i suppose all one can do verbally. my whole point is that when you are talking about something and you contradict yourself you are closer to the truth than you will be at any other time. therefore, everything you have ever learned is bound both to it's own truth and it's own falsity. so every single moment of your life you are re-learning every lesson and every idea that you have ever known to be "true". held in this concept is both wonderful freedom and utter confusion/distortion. so maybe when something is simultaneously true and false it is the closest we will ever have to the "real".
1:18 PM
Tuesday, October 09, 2001
i keep trying to recreate moments that i have loved. i play the same songs over and over again and pretend that i am in some warm sweet world. but each moment happens only once. i cannot hold the things that are dear to me. i have to let them go. this is the hardest thing i have ever had to learn.
what if i had no memories? every moment was new and i took it for what it was and nothing more. even now my new moments are tangled in the remnants of the past. i don't know what is real and what i am making up. is my past tainting my future or helping it grow?
12:02 PM