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2001-10-30 - 2:48 p.m.
Friday, July 27, 2001
ever step outside of yourself by accident? in the midst of another thought and suddenly you're floating. head bobbing against the ceiling (is there a ceiling?) seeing the books and papers strewn on the desk, the floor, the bed. the clothes piling, the dust thickening. the wires tangling in the corner. see yourself sitting. the shape of your shoulders, your head angling to the side, your hands moving of their own volition. this is you. this is your world, the things that you keep close to your heart and yet never really look at. i am shocked by my own nakedness. every angle is stark. i leave a trail. all these tangible ideas that make up who i am. is my bookshelf how i think? can i allow this to happen? can i be impressed by it? do my ideas carry any weight alone? do they need to be manifested? do they need me to exist? what am i without vicarious ideas gleaned from pages of other people's words? if we all have the capacity for language, aren't these all our words? are they born in us from the first breath? do they even preceed the first breath? are these not my words?
5:58 PM
Monday, July 23, 2001
my mother and i had matching sweaters once. tan wool with farm animals incorporated into the design. a row of sheep on the bottom, a row of pigs, ducks, chickens, in ascending order. i thought it was beautiful. i felt like an adult when i wore it. with my khaki pants and brown loafers i was wise for my eight years. the wool was very rough, itchy, almost oily. i had to wear a turtleneck under it so it wouldn't leave a rash on my neck. an itchy sweater is an adult sweater, none of the baby softness of children's clothing. this was my favorite sweater. i was excited to wear it to school and show off my maturity. however my peers did not see the same beauty in my sweater. to be continued.
5:39 PM
Wednesday, July 18, 2001
i don't want to sleep.
this is a very good sign.
something is going to happen.
1:35 AM
you will call me today. the silence on the line will be heavy. I will tell you how the weather is. you will tell me how the headlines are. we will both hesitate around the subject of change. you will quickly assure me that everything is ok. that you are doing well in your new place. adjusting nicely to the climate and the noise and the light. I will assure you that nothing has changed. that the climate and the light and the noise are exactly as you left them, only maybe the air is slightly colder, the light dimmer, the noise more grating since you�ve been gone. that everything is just a little less enchanting without you. I will emphasize this. I will mention that my eyes have never wandered. that I think of you often, almost every minute. that all my moments are gradations of you. from heavy and supple to weightless and dry. I will explain that my reluctance to call is really just a reluctance to smother you. I will remind you that I love you. twice. I will hesitate when I do this the first time. I will follow this hesitation with a quick and forceful affirmation. you will hesitate to respond, and then respond with exuberance. we will both laugh and assure each other of ourselves. we will say how silly it is to hesitate about this. after all, some things will never change, we say. how could they change? we say. we are both the same. I am the same. you are the same. you and I are in love. if you and I are the same now as we were before, and we loved each other then, well it must be the same now. we will calculate this equation together. we will check each other�s work, supplement information, divide exponentially. together we will factor in our love against all odds. the sums of ourselves will equal a common denominator. we will be mathematically possible. probable. positive. we will congratulate each other on our skills. our astute logic. our ability to hold things together. very few people can do this type of work, we will say. it is amazing that we are both so amazing and that amazingly we have found each other. there will be a long silence. you will clear your throat. I will say. well. well, I suppose I should go. you will say, yes. yes, I suppose you should. there will be another pause and this time I will hear you moving in the background. adjusting under the weight of the moment. you will hear me sigh, almost inaudibly. I will remind you that I will talk to you tomorrow. you will remind me that you will call. we will say goodnight. we will both wait for the other to hang up. you will hang up. I will hear the dial tone. It will be. steady. even. infinite.
1:33 AM
psychology has ruined us. as a people, a society, a unit. i spend all of my time psychoanalyzing myself and other people. blogger has become a cathartic forum. i can purge here even when no one else is listening. i think everyone was better off when they didn't recognize their "issues". how self-aware do we need to be? particularly because whatever we are cognizant of is completely subject to our own degrees of blindness. i do not want to wake up every morning and "recognize" that my lack of motivation and fear intimacy are directly related to my relationship with my mother (which they aren't). i do not want to hear this from anyone else either. all these issues are constructs of a hedonistic and overstimulated society. a society that is steeped in luxury, comfort, safety. we have to make our own problems. i don't want to communicate. i don't want to understand. i don't want to come to terms with anything. i just want to deal with it. DEAL WITH IT!!! forget about your own needs!! fuck everything up!! make a mess of all that you hold sacred!! get off the therapist's couch and fight for something dammit!! i want old-fashioned fucking heroism. i want people standing up and screaming "i will survive" despite their wrecked childhoods and bitter relationships and self-inflicted wounds and oozing battle scars. take care of your damn self. take care of other people. be good. realize that someone, somewhere, has had it WAY worse than you. forget that i said all of this. i will not adhere to any of it.
in other words:
please.
be my hero.
12:43 AM