Diaryland
Other Diaries
Profile
Email
All Entries �
Latest Entry
2001-10-30 - 2:40 p.m.
Thursday, July 12, 2001
i have been trying to create a body with language. this means that i am looking at anatomy charts and making random word associations and putting those words into patterns and hoping that eventually i will have a living, breathing body. of course i don't actually expect to have a REAL body but instead some sort of amalgamation of concepts that accurately represents having a body and living in it. i want language to be capable of creating something. i want it to become tangible. i want to describe who, what, i am and i want language to be a sufficient means of doing so. i want my words to be alive. having worked on this for some time i have learned that this is impossible. but i am going to do it anyway. perhaps what i really want is for the body to articulate itself. I WANT TO BE SUFFICIENT. in and of myself. beyond the realm of language. inside the realm of language. i want to articulate myself. blah blah blah blah blah.
6:26 PM
Sunday, July 08, 2001
i am dressing myself for tragedy. painting fingernails and changing shirts to pass time. pretending things are normal. cleaning. emptying and refilling containers. all this waiting. every move i make a step closer to an answer that i don't want to hear. i don't know which is harder... waiting with hope or knowing without.
1:59 PM
Monday, July 02, 2001
Vitreous Humor
glass of a waxing reflection
upsidedown the body of
space spins centrifugal
this is why i was kicked out ot the haiku club...too many syllables. I DON'T CARE!!!!
yes, i admit, in high school i had a brief and completely dispassionate affair with the Haiku Club. dispassionate only because i was going through a phase and didn't want to be constrained by syllables and systems and rules which i learned later is really what makes you a good writer...always infiltrate the system from the inside.
as i (again) failed to do something good for me due to stubborness and pride i am now obsessed with Haiku Challenge...the point being to write one haiku a day for as long as possible...i have failed to meet the haiku challenge over and over again. my other obsession is the body so i am compelled to write haikus about body parts. my goal is to make as many random dissassociative patterns as possible.
one day i will blog about bodies and machines and the organicness of technology but i am too moody and irritable to do it now.
11:00 PM
i am worried. that everything creative in me is all dried up. that again i will be the kind of girl that becomes an accessory. blow jobs and a nice meal. but i don't know what i'm fighting for.
and everybody has such good advice.
i am instructed alternately to "just do it" or "go find it". to have more respect for myself. to this i want to say "BRAVO for instantly figuring out everything that has been plaguing me for the past 5 years and THANK YOU for filling my tiny and incompetent mind with such sage and willing advice." oh, and thank you for listening. and BY THE WAY i will busy myself with doing NOTHING and sit here and ROT because all of your talk about moving and changing and growth and formative years and finding what i want has clouded up my head and i have forgotten what i want and how to get it and if i even actually care anymore. and then i will cheerily pay somebody $200 an hour to help me find out that i have self-destructive tendencies. this is the sort of thing that bores the crap out of me but i know i will fixate on it if i don't start talking about it. over. and over. and over. again.
4:45 PM