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2001-12-11 - 4:11 p.m.
i finally took the GRE. it's done, it's over, i have approximately the lowest score in history, i will not be attending graduate school because of this. i cried about it last night for much longer than was necessary, particularly because it wasn't even remotely deserving of tears. i will not cry about it again.
i admit that it affects my self-image, though. just a little bit. more than it should at all. i think that somewhere i have a deep-seated need to be standardized. i want to have a master's degree and a PhD so i can hide behind them, so that i can look good on paper. so that all of my classmates in college that thought i was blowing my professors for A's can, for a second reconsider. so that Victoria Hattemer can retract her statement of "wow, you must really be surprised" when she learned that i was one of the 8 people who had passed their senior comprehensive examinations with "distinction".
i know this is petty. i am writing about this so i can let it go. because i am tired of the assumption that i am stupid, and i am tired of internalizing it.