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2002-04-22 - 1:59 p.m.
wow, my last entry completely failed to articulate what i wanted to say. watching myself circle around what i want to say is an interesting and frequent experience. i think avoidance has been a major theme for the past 2 years. i think it's necessary but still prevents any growth. i have this terrifying feeling that time is running out, that if i don't solidify all of my decisions and relationships now they will cease to exist. every moment has a giant flashing neon sign saying "Wasted Opportunity." so i get a little paranoid. i want it all, at once. i don't want to take the time. this is a terribly American ideal. quantity over quality. i end up furious when i get what i want because all of it is shiny, plastic, and easily broken. so why do i think i want this? i have this lovely dream where i take my brain out of my head and rub it against the ridgy gray matter of my friends' brains. a juicy little brain orgy. we all giggle while we're doing this. then we stuff our brains back into our heads and go off on new adventures with this new knowledge about each other. i look at this now and realize that i want an efficient way to get deeply into someone/something: i want to manufacture intimacy. this is a terrible realization about my lovely dream. *i understand that this monologue will make no sense to you, reader, but i wanted to tell you about it anyway. you see, i tire of the TIME it takes to know someone, i just want the brain orgy so we can move on.
* imperialism at work
we will assume, reader, that this is a work in progress.