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2002-05-30 - 4:08 p.m.
i have these fantasies that i will sit in cafes with brilliant artists, writers, musicians and philosophers and talk for hours about world-altering concepts. i will be one of these thinkers too. we will go too far, dig too deep, stay down when we should come up for air. WE WILL NEVER SOLVE ANYTHING. this point is key. the world is not a puzzle meant to be solved. it is an ever flowing undulating shrinking blooming void and we are all thrashing about in it. all the thrashing will make us hungry, fierce, and downright surly sometimes. it will also make us open and frightened and prone to ineffable joy. every moment will be "holy"...full of the overwhelming fragility of being.
then we will all go home and shit. this is, perhaps, the most important part. because at some point in this process i must come to terms with the fallibility of everything, i will understand why even my greatest idols will decay. i will understand that genius is still subject to the human condition. this, in my fantasy, will not scare me nearly as much as it does now. you see, beyond my constructed bitterness i am an idealist. it is an incurable ailment. i really believe all this is possible. i refuse to live a life in which it is not.