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2002-07-08 - 5:24 p.m.
so i haven't updated in a while because i have been busy sitting and letting my brain eat itself.
i spent 4 hours in a staffing agency today. it made me realize that, despite the fact that i hate teaching, i also hate being a file clerk/pee-on office chick. so maybe i should take the hated teaching job next year (?). i am scared of what teaching does to me: it exhausts me, makes me have no time or patience for anything else, makes me cry constantly, makes me feel isolated more than any other job i have ever had, puts me on a schedule that is exactly the opposite of all of my friends so that after an isolating day of yapping at students i can got to bed at 6pm and never see anyone i care about ever again and makes me feel stupid and angry on a daily basis. BUT, it's "meaningful".
and being unemployed for the next hundred years is not an option.
i keep chasing myself in circles. if i go to teach i will lose about 10 different aspects of my life that i love and want to focus energy on. but if i take the job i will be gainfully employed with a real job that people don't laugh at for the first time in a LONG while. such is my dilemma. should be an easy one, right? but it's not. it's not it's not it's not.