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2003-06-02 - 12:31 p.m.

So far, I've spent my twenties acting like an awkward teenager.

Ironically, when I was an actual teenager I had uncanny amounts of charm and social poise that betrayed my age. I was also motivated.

Oh, motivation.

I've wasted a lot of time feeling like someone took away my charm, my passion and my poise and replaced me with this terrible, broken, fragile wraith of a person. But the truth is I gave all these things away for the opportunity to feel uncomfortable, to disappear, and to rebel.

I gave myself away for the chance to fail.

I want it to be ok when I fuck everything up. I want you to love me when I fail terribly. I want to know that I will be forgiven, because what I have is mine to waste.

Because once I know this I will no longer be failing.

Re-reading this, I see that I am really just asking you for permission to fail. What I really need to do is grant myself that luxury. Easier said than done.