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2003-06-09 - 3:32 p.m.
*This is me being moody. Again.*
I now see how difficult it is to operate outside standard conventions of behavior.
It takes commitment, bravery and a whole lot of grit.
No one will believe you when you tell them the truth: you are not a reliable resource when you stand outside.
Every day you will try to validate your existence to a public that rates your core against their own fundamentals.
You do not exist.
Unless you are willing to believe that you do.
I think of my friends who struggle each day to make their lives something stronger, more beautiful, more transcendent, than what the rest of the world would will them to have.
And I am in awe. I see them standing on the periphery, holding their ground, making choices that break them because they know it also make them stronger.
I wonder what it means to them to be alone.
I have always stood on the outside, and not because of bravery, commitment or grit. I stand outside because I'm too afraid of being trapped to commit to anything.
Most of the time I want, desperately, to be inside. But what if I can't get out? What if we go too far and nothing is ever the same again? So I am rooted, I stay the same. Which is a certain kind of committment in it's own right.
But it's a lie.
If you and I met on the inside you wouldn't recognize me.
And as of now I am infinitely recognizable. Out here.
Can't you see me? I'm outside. Waving.
At you.