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2004-02-20 - 6:41 p.m.
I'm big on clinging.
And I've spent a lot of time working on NOT clinging. My favorite Buddhist saying goes something like "If something is terrible, don't cling to it. If something is beautiful, don't cling to it."
I work so hard to let go.
But I also spend a lot of time on these overwhelming waves of emotion -- incredible brightness and seemingly infinite darkness.
I can take the brightness. Sometimes it's too blinding and my eyes start to water but, even with my eyes closed, the light feeds me.
When I see the darkness coming it's like all the colors around me slowly lose their vibrance. The air gets this pallor that I just can't shake and no manner of high-wattage lamps, friendships or strong drinks can cut through the bleakness, it just lingers. Hanging from my hair, coating my skin, weighing down my bones. Scrambling my speech.
So I do it. I cling to the beautiful things, even when I know I should let go.
And this clinging is what makes them slip away so easily.