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2002-02-16 - 11:50 p.m.
i talked to adam earlier tonight. at one point i made fun of myself and my plans to balance my checkbook on a saturday night. he said, "why don't you call someone?" which is a very good suggestion. i thought about it and realized that i didn't call anyone because i didn't want to. sometimes calling someone is not the way to fill yourself up, sometimes it just drains you even more. i knew that i wanted to be alone tonight, but i have a lot of trouble admitting that, to other people and to myself. sometimes i worry that i want to be alone too much. i think i feel less lonely when i am by myself. it is with other people that i realize how insufficient i feel, or how much of me is different, offbeat, offkey, static from others. and then i wonder why i don't connect with anyone...
i guess sometimes it is easier in jennyland...no one notices when i contradict myself 400 times, or that i have no idea what i am talking about EVER. turns out that i like theories, i like thinking, i don't like the truth, it inhibits me, and quite frankly it's useless. what is true exists in the moment and even then there are billions of other moments occuring at the same time, rendering that one truth as relevant as it's opposing truth. in the end it is static. in the end i don't really believe what you are saying, and i don't really believe what i am saying, but all the weight of the world is balancing upon it. it is this precariousness that keeps me alive.